Buses
This is actually something I posted on my personal blog a while ago, but I feel it should definitely be posted here as well.
The Blog Of Cameron Cam & Jakki’s Shit Blog Guide To Not Busing Like A Fucking Idiot
By following these simple steps, you too can bus like a pro!
Step 1
Form an orderly line. When the bus arrives you have NO BUSINESS just waltzing up and standing in front of everyone who has been waiting patiently in a nice line. Exceptions: OLD PEOPLE. Always let them on first, you disrespectful tool.
Step 2
If you’re not using a Smartrider, have your money ready. I can only imagine how frustrated the people behind you (who have their money ready) feel, whilst you fumble around in your shitty handbag (or possibly wallet, or pocket, but in my experience women are the worst offenders here) looking for $1.20 or whatever the hell a 2 zone ticket costs for people now days.
If you are using a Smartrider, have it ready it is just as frustrating (I know from experience!) to stand behind someone who is fumbling around in their shitty handbag (again, mostly women do this, men tend to keep their Smartrider in their pocket or wallet) looking for a piece of plastic that you had at least 5 minutes to locate before the bus got here. Fuck.
Step 3
Do not talk to the driver. Are you fucking retarded? You should know where the bus goes before you get on it. Timetables are readily available from many places. And you have even less of an excuse if you’re getting on from one of the more recent bus stops, as if you’d just look at the back of them… it shows you where the bus routes go.
Step 4
DO NOT CONTINUE TALKING TO THE BUSDRIVER do not ask if he stops exactly outside your house, do not try and describe in vivid detail your street. Know where the bus goes and get the shit on it. Jesus.
Step 5
Having successfully completed steps 1-4, you are now ready to pay your fare and sit down. Do not, at any point, turn around and go back to talk to the bus driver, ever. He (or she), literally does not give a shit about you and just wants to drive the God damn bus. Sit the fuck down, you retard.
Oh, and do not sit in the priority seats (preferably ever). Unless you have real trouble standing, and feel that you should be sitting in one of these seats, don’t sit in them! They are not for you.
Step 6
Enjoy the journey! You’ve now got a good few minutes to yourself to do as you please! Read a book, listen to music, sleep a little, but do not put your knees into the back of my seat you unthoughtful schoolchild
And there you have it. It’s not very difficult. I would expect novice bus riders to possibly mess up a few of these the first time round, but after that you should pick it up fairly quickly. If anyone here catches the 887 to Wellington Street, follow these simple steps and you will have one less angry bearded guy annoyed at you.
In seriousness, though, it is pretty annoying when people do stupid shit like this. I don’t think it’s a big ask to have your Smartrider/money ready. Think about it, if everyone spent a few minutes getting their change, or finding their Smartrider, it would take ages for the bus to get anywhere. On some buses, there is even a sign (which I doubt most people see anyone, ‘cos they’re ignorant dicks) that says ‘PLEASE TENDER CORRECT FARE’. Seriously, it’s in capitals like that and everything.
I was actually very nearly late for an exam because of dickheads who had the wrong amount of money or didn’t know where the bus went, or felt like telling their life story to the driver. What is wrong with you people? It was all OK though, I managed to get into the exam room just as the lady started reading out the instructions. Phew.