Thank you, capitalism
Thanks to the 3D insurgence caused by shiteous recent movies such as Avatar and Alice in Wonderland, I really should have seen this coming.
3D DESIGNER GLASSES
You read right.
3D.
“Designer”.
Glasses.
…..I wish I had taken a photo of them but it was right on the counter and it would have been weird. Nevertheless, I stood there for a while, just staring in disbelief at the lengths all these movie corporations are going to to get more people to watch 3D movies at the cinemas.
Let me begin by saying, I hate most 3D films. I think it’s the most gimmicky thing since sliced bread. Not only is every movie corporation jumping on the 3D bandwagon since they’ve learned they can charge more for tickets and glasses, the crappy quality and use of programs such as After Effects to render film NOT filmed in real 3D into fake “3D” is pointless and stupid. Yet civilians STILL buy into this shit because apparently, viewing movies in 2D isn’t enough anymore. No we NEED the crappy 3D floating objects and blurry 3D pans and zooms because it’s just so, like, hi-tech and modern and technological and revolutionary and stuff. Not like 3D hasn’t been around for the past decade or anything.
I honestly don’t know how people can enjoy watching the fake 3D shit like Alice in Wonderland and Clash of the Titans – not only do the glasses make it seem like you actually are viewing the movie through sunglasses (hence darker screen), viewing 2D shapes in 3D form just seems wrong. I mean even with Avatar, which supposedly used ‘innovative’ 3D cameras and whatnot….the visuals were okay but not something to go WOWOMFGKDHSURSKDS MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. There are several 3D movies coming out this year now, including the Green Hornet and Pirahnas. Yes, PIRAHANAS. This revolution also means, you will soon be able to see Seth Rogen in 3D:
Yeah. I can tell you’re excited already. So very excited.
So why am I ranting about 3D? Asides from the fact that it is something I have been meaning to shit-blog for a while, I saw How to Train Your Dragon in 3D tonight and I have to say it was actually a lot more enjoyable than the other recent faux 3D movies I’ve seen. Perhaps it was just the animation or the fact that it was made for the 3D platform. It wasn’t Pixar quality but it was cute and well made and used the 3D effects well, especially with the pov shots of the dragon skimming the waves and clouds and ash raining down. I have to admit, I really enjoyed the movie and maybe that kind of dissuades my argument against 3D a bit but the fact remains….the people that made this movie knew how to use 3D to their advantage. And I have to admit I am very much looking forward to seeing Toy Story 3 in 3D.
On a tangentially related note however, I have definitely seen the difference in advertising alongside 3D films though, ie. CineAds. For those that haven’t been to the cinemas recently, CineAds has completely revamped their advertising for 3D films, and they even made their own 3D advertising spot, advertising…themselves. Only problem was, they either spent way too much on the ad or they just couldn’t get enough of it, because in the twenty minutes of ads we sat through, about 5 of those ads was the epic 3D spot for CineAds which they were very clearly proud to show off. 3D balls flying off the screen and everything. Yeah. Super lame and super tacky. But really, what do you expect when you’re watching a 3D movie these days?!
My problem with 3D is the fact that pretty much EVERY movie now is marketed in a 3D format, disregarding the fact of whether or not it was actually FILMED in 3D. It pisses me off when they try to market faux 3D films just so they can charge extra money for tickets.
See, in Perth, Event Cinemas is like the movie black hole of cinema-viewing. I go to the movies quite a bit and if you want to see a mainstream G rated movie, Event Cinemas is usually the place most convenient for me to go. Apparently it’s got the best chairs, the best screens, the most amount of theatres….but pretty much every year, without fail, the ticket prices will inevitably increase. They don’t even do cheap 3D tickets on Tuesdays because apparently 3D is just SO POPULAR.
So today, I find out that watching 3D movies now costs $21 which includes the 3D glasses. I could probably start a collection of these things because I have so many just lying around in my room..they’re not even worth 50 cents to me. But seriously. TWENTY ONE DOLLARS. For the record, I paid $20 to watch Alice in Wonderland and Avatar just a few months ago. And lo and behold, just as 3D movies are on the rise in popularity…BOOM. Time for a price check!!
SERIOUSLY CAPITALISM. FUCK YOU.
That’s not all though. Real 3D have come up with an even more brilliant plan to earn even more money. You know those designer 3D glasses I was talking about earlier? Well if you’re REALLY vain and self conscious, and care about what you look like when you’re watching a movie in a cinema IN THE DARK, you can now buy 3D Designer Glasses. Complete with a glasses case and everything.
Seriously. What….the hell. I don’t even have an expression to describe how I feel about this because it’s just so….utterly…ridiculous. I mean can you imagine the people in these corporate boardrooms?
- “So…..people keep downloading our movies and pirating our shit yo. This is bad; we’re losing money to bootleggers and we’re the laughing stock of the internet. Whatever shall we do?!”
- “James Cameron earned over a billion dollars by marketing Avatar in 3D. Surely this will work for every other movie we release too!”
- “GENIUS. While we’re at it, we can raise ticket prices for crappy plastic glasses, invent designer 3D glasses for uber rich kids with nothing better to spend their money on, and use After Effects to save money on real 3D cameras!”
- “WOW WE ARE SO CLEVER. You think civilians will buy 3D DVDs and 3D TV’s too? Oh man this could be revolutionary to the movie industry!”
- “Yeah just think what a favour we’re doing for the future generations of cinema. We’re at the forefront of technology and we’re still relevant! Yay we are awesome!! People will totally want to watch movies at the cinema now and pay more for something which has already been around for years!!! HI FIVE BOYS LET’S HIT THE PUB”
Yeah.
I don’t know. And WOW I’ve ranted a lot…..I can rant about just about anything that pisses me off and write a whole essay about it. I have to admit, I even amaze myself at how much verbal diarrhea I can spew about stuff that makes me angry. But c’mon, does anyone else not agree with me?!!? 3D movies have gotten to the point where its no longer a part of a movie, but rather a tacked on ploy to get people to pay more for the viewing pleasure of seeing it on a big 3D screen.
Gimmicky 3D movies makes me angry, and Event Cinemas makes me angry for unnecessarily raising prices to a ridiculous amount.
I still can’t get over how expensive it is….And not only that, they are now marketing designer 3D glasses.
I can’t wait for Michael Moore to make a documentary on this dastardly 3D revolution.
Coming soon in 2015….in 3D.
